This has nothing to do with me not being a very punctual blogger. :) I was having an interesting conversation with a friend the other night that I have thought alot about and wanted to write about, particularly because I think most of my blog readers are women, this is for you!
We were talking about the broadcast on Saturday and I mentioned how I just love Sister Beck (the General Relief Society President). I think she is just perfect for women today-professional, yet grounded in the gospel. For me personally, she is a woman that I think actually understands what it is like to be me. This conversation led my friend and I to discuss her conference talk "Mothers Who Know" and the ensuing controversy. (For those of you who don't live in Utah, maybe you don't know, but there was a big brouhaha here because there were alot of women offended by what she had to say. Sorry if you were one of them, I'm not trying to make you feel bad). Anywho, I wasn't offended and was actually shocked to find that some women were because I think that of all the people who could have been offended by a talk about motherly duties, I could be a frontrunner-I don't have kids, I plan to keep working once my little bundle of heartburn gets here, etc. However, I wasn't offended because I realized at the beginning of the talk that I had a choice to make-get offended or take what she was saying and apply it to the unique circumsatnces of my life and learn, not take offense. My friend had a similar experience as she is a working mother of two. She described the feeling the talk left her with as "that feeling just before guilt." I thought that was an interesting way of describing it. It made me want to ponder, "What is that feeling right before guilt?" I decided that it is a positive feeling of facing a challenge. It is a feeling where we acknowledge that we could be doing more or doing somethings better, but instead of giving into guilt, we refuse to feel guilty and turn that into positive motivation. I think it is truly within our power to make the choice not to slide into guilt.
As we talked I realized that guilt really is a product of pride. That may not be obvious at first (it wasn't to me) because it seems so completely the opposite. But really we are being prideful when we say "I can't do any better and if you tell me that I can, then I'm going to feel guilty and offended." Guilt is an emotion without motivation. It robs us of the thrill of standing up and meeting a challenge. I guess in writing about this, my challenge to myself and others is to not give into guilt, but keep challenges to improve in a positive light so that you feel up to the task. Don't be overwhelmed by a feeling that you must do it all. You can't. But you don't need to feel guilty about it. Be honest with yourself though and be positively motivated. Maybe at this time in your life you really can't do more or better. More isn't always better. Maybe what you can do is recognize a need to be more centered and calm so that as you go about your life duties you are really experiencing the moments of your life.
The combination of the "Mothers" talk and other things discussed at Saturday's broadcast made me also realize that when we give into guilt and offense, we are acutally judging others. The thought that was shared Saturday about not judging those with big families (or small families) made me realize that we do often judge others negatively when we see them doing presumably more than we are. We feel guilty that we either can not or choose not to do as much. But instead of helping, we remove ourselves from the pool of resources to that person. We won't all have big families, but we shouldn't not help those with more kids simply because we feel their family is a statement against our own worthiness. We're not in a contest. Whoever has the most kids doesn't win, but whoever has the least doesn't either. We only "win" if we all "win" together and that is accomplished not by asking "why" ("why did that person make that choice?") but "what" ("What can I do to help you?").
Well, this is all really a rambling lecture to myself, but I wanted to write about this and tell all of you wonderful women out there to stop at the feeling just before guilt.
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2 comments:
well said!
I am in total agreement with everything you said. It's funny how differently some people viewed her conference talk. Maybe it is my lack of experience as a new mom, but when I heard this talk, I just drank it in! I was so eager to learn how I could fulfill my new role well and the Spirit witnessed to me that these were things that would create a happy and secure home for my family.
In connection with her talk, I also loved Elder Oaks' & Elder Hales' talks.
Elder Oaks said:
"As we consider various choices, we should remember that it is not enough that something is good. Other choices are better, and still others are best. Even though a particular choice is more costly, its far greater value may make it the best choice of all."
Dallin H. Oaks, “Good, Better, Best,” Liahona, Nov 2007, 104–8
And Elder Hales said:
"As faithful children, youth, parents, teachers, and leaders, we may receive personal revelation more frequently than we realize."
Robert D. Hales, “Personal Revelation: The Teachings and Examples of the Prophets,” Ensign, Nov 2007, 86–89
As women and mothers, we have the ability to discern & receive personal revelation for what is good, what is better, and what is best for our families. Just like you said, We can't do everything. But we can do something and should continually seek improvement and progression.
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